Make me helpless, O God!

Do I want God to leave me helpless, without solutions, without hope, without strength? Instead, most of us ask God for a solution, for an absolute solution to our problems. We want solutions and strength in our moments of weakness. As human beings, we are inadequate and powerless beings. We often put ourselves in untenable situations and sometimes we need the strength of others or of the general we become victims of problems. In any case, our life is a battle in which we fight against problems. And as a natural reaction, if we believe in Him, we cry out to God for a solution. We have nowhere else to turn, no will stronger than God’s will for a final solution. I don’t have one.

Lately I have been going through a difficult time personally (internally) and I have been and at the same time suffer its existential pains. With myself and I can also call it a period of accounting and understanding with my creator. Most of the time I am going through the strangest relationship with God in my life of faith, which I find incapable of walking. And I keep waiting to hear His voice for a solution. When I face obstacles, I turn to hope and strength. I know I need and I ask God for an intervention when I can’t pray. When I don’t even want to open the Bible. I’m waiting for it to whisper. I am as still and eager as a baby bird…

But in recent days I have begun to think that perhaps methodologically and spiritually this is wrong. Waiting for God’s approval of the solutions I plan and devise it’s like a mistake. I have identified in my head, with confidence, all kinds of solutions and plan the way out of the crisis I was going through, and I was looking for the moment when God would act. I am waiting. The form of my prayers has changed, for me it is a submissive and obedient way of praying. I have a way. I see the emptiness in my heart and I make room for Him and I make that space myself. In a sense, I have made everything easy for God. Like a good and well-behaved child, accepting my mistakes, making the right conclusions about my life and I am now in a state of mind where I believe that I must see the right results. The Holy Spirit’s but it’s not like it didn’t help. I believe I’ve been very open about it. He applied the formula correctly and prepared well for his test, while at the same time being humble as someone who deserves a solution.

Or so I think… There is a sharp break in my mind right now. God’s absolute silence or the fact that he’s not telling me what I want to hear, but my plan seems to have collapsed. I see that my rational, logical and theological foundations have been shaken. But where should I have stopped, where did I go astray? Who can tell me that it is? The steps for a Christian are not obvious. Is that it? Isn’t that more or less what I learned in seminars, in church meetings? Or Did I misunderstand?

Now I feel another wind moving through me, another prayer in my mind. I see it rippling and pulling me where I don’t want to go. From my heart to my mind a spiritual birth or death that stretches out, painful and difficult for me to understand. Because my darkness I realize that the lights I light myself in it don’t really matter.

Strangely but necessarily, I ask God to make me helpless. to take the solutions away from me and drain my strength to the limit. Because it’s standing up I am not sure that the standing entity understands His will and purpose as well as it used to. I felt lost in those precise and commanding propositions that most of us are put in front of. I realize I need a new path, I need freedom from myself, I need humility. I know I need to get out from under the shadow of the arrogance I thought I had. So that’s my prayer. So that God will stretch out his hand to crush the hope I built. In my heart that the fire that I thought illuminated me was actually a blind guide without light. Show him. In the cities, in the caves, among friends, in the towns David trusted as he fled from Saul the way his disappointments brought him back to life. Or Elijah’s and the fear of Jonah, the remorse of Jonah, the indecision of Abraham, the lack of understanding of Job… How else can I truly understand Him and hear myself again?

I would like you to think as you read this article. Where does the “encouragement” you have been taught actually lead you? To the world? With those logic games that take shape in the formless labyrinths of human perception how will you win? How to find without losing and how to rise without falling. Half this life you’re walking in patches, the real solution you’re looking for is in the foggy dreams of your own making. How will you see it melt away?